DATELINE: APRIL 9TH, 2011.
The time is 7:00pm. You’ve just arrived to the cozy Bellefonte Cafe in Wilmington, DE and you’re looking over the menu. You’ve heard the guacamole is amazing, though you also heard that the black bean soup is stupendous. You can’t decide. Maybe you can convince the other people you’re with to split something with you. You’re also debating whether or not to get coffee… it’s after 5pm and you don’t want the caffeine to keep you up, but dude, it’s also a Saturday night, and what are you, like 93 years old? As you peruse the rest of the menu, suddenly BLAMMO! Your entire face explodes in one shot, just like that.
What the hell happened? HOT BREAKFAST! happened, baby. That’s what.
Matt and Jill took the stage, and within 47 seconds your face was rocked the hell off, in the blink of an eye. In fact, it was rocked off SO HARD that it exploded into 10,000,000 little pieces. CSI: Wilmington, Hot Breakfast! Unit was called in to begin filming.
Thanks to this unfortunate event, you (or what’s left of you) are now a famous TV star. Sadly, because you’re dead though, you are unable to sign an acting talent waiver. But hey– your friends signed it on your behalf, making sure to re-word the legalese so that all fees due for your services go directly to them.
I’d call your friends opportunistic assholes, but that would be a mean thing to say… because after all, they came to see our show… and for that, we thank them.
Jill (a.k.a. “Breakfast”)